Again

Its funny, when i started this blog i didn't think anyone would see it.  So I figured i would just vent all the time.  I was thinking the other day that I shouldn't be such a downer on here.  What?  How silly.  Of course I'm not always like this.  It is the fact that I am not always down that made this such a special place.  I can feel anyway and not be worried about how people perceive me.  I'm still having a hard time with the new baby coming up in a month in my family.  I really hope the boy is not born on my anniversary.  I know, silly right.  Not really.  It's my day right now.  Okay, I'm feeling a little worked up because I just had to go shopping for baby shower wrapping and cards.  Then I came home and wrapped all the adorable baby things I have collected for my sister in law.  I couldn't help it, I started to tear up folding the tiny baby clothes.  Yup crying now.  Sometimes it can just hurt so much.  The clothes are so little and so cute.  I can imagine putting the tiny t shirt on a sweet chubby baby belly.  I also got these ridiculous tiny infant Northface baby booties that look like hiking boots.  Are you kidding me?  They make you melt with cuteness.  I haven't felt sad or cried like this for a little bit now.  But bam!  There it is.  And I am so happy for them too.  I feel sort of bad because I wish I could have been there more through the whole thing.  I have kind of removed myself from my sister-in-law and the whole pregnancy.  I don't even think I could handle her baby shower this weekend.  Actually she is having two I would be going to.  But I am going to my other sister-in-laws graduation from college instead.  It kind of works out perfect because the other sis I am going to see has been ttc for almost eight years.  We kind of need each other this weekend.  Perfect timing!  I think this next month will be trying for me and when Ethan is born next month, I think I may have some "moments".  I hate that.  But I know I can't avoid it.  So, sorry if the subject gets old, I sure everyone understands:)  Thanks to everyone and all their kind replies.  It really does help me through these moments!  Love you guys!

Is it gone?

I think I may have lost something along the way.  Yup, my libido.  Not something I really want to admit, but I think I may have to.  With dramatics I feel like saying I never want to have sex again.  I know that is not true, but I feel like something is missing.  Trying for so long can be hard on a couple.  All the times sex, the positions, the special lube, the laying in one spot afterward, even just the idea every time that this is for a reason now.  At the beginning of this journey the sex was amazing.  The thought that this amazing act could have just united us with a child was breathtaking.  So sweet and romantic and amazing really.  But that has pretty much worn off.  Now I have a hard time letting myself even think that it worked.  I have been avoiding this for a while now.  I did a little research and have tried some supplements to help with a ladies libido.  Just another addition to the morning regiment of capsules!  But now i think it is time to get down to the bottom of this.  I know this must happen to so many people.  I sometimes wonder if emotionally, even almost subconsciously, it hurts too much to have sex.  Maybe it sets off this little feeling of failure each time.  Reminding me of feeling broken.  I try my best to always be so positive (it may not seem like it too much on my blog!) and keep my chin up.  It is a sensitive subject I don't really want to bring up with anyone.  I'm sure my husband notices, but I think he may be stumped on how to help.  I have mentioned it to him, but not to the extent I am now.  I know the importance of intimacy in a relationship.  I know that both of us need it.  Maybe I have lost the idea that it is just for us too.  A way for us to connect.  That I need to somehow get our romance back from the baby making.  I wish it was just a switch I could flip back on.  Maybe spending some time together when I'm not ovulating or near it could be helpful.  But honestly the idea of more sex makes me think "ugh"!  It is terrible.  I got to figure a way to get my groove back!

mini break

So this past month we took a little break from trying.  I was out of town for the whole ovulation time!  I knew it was coming and I was fine with it.  The break was needed.  I felt a little lighter all month knowing the dreaded negative stick couldn't get to me!  Ahhh, it was a nice break.  I really enjoyed the calmness about the few days before my period.  I didn't have a big crash.  And I could really feel that.  Trying so much is really exhausting.  Even when you are trying "not to stress" about it all.  I thought I had let a lot go. But today my husband mentioned a neighbor was pregnant.  Then he slipped in that my sister in law was too.  Wait, what?  Another one pregnant?  When did everyone find out?  Oh he found out the other day.  But he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to make me sad.  Damn it!  Even my husband is afraid of my feelings getting hurt.  It made me feel so stupid.  "Oh don't tell her, she will be so upset".  And the sad thing is, is that it is true!  But i want the choice to be sad.  Don't all talk about it but without me!  And this time I wasn't even really jealous, I just felt sad.  I was quickly reminded about feeling like a failure.  I wouldn't ever continue just trying and failing over and over again with anything else.  Man it can really beat you up.  Maybe if people realized that yes, I may seem sad or angry when I initially hear the news, but really I am happy for them because I am a compassionate, loving person?  It's just a crappy place to be I guess.  And just to show everyone that I'm not this bitter sad infertile, I sent the super excited message and love about the news!

Spring cleaning

Spring is here!  So, we bought our house three years ago.  Three bedroom.  One for us, one for the hubby's  studio, and the last little room has been saved as the nursery.  I never painted it or even thought about it because I just would hold off I thought until I knew if it was a boy or girl.  So it just filled with stuff and became sort of the sad room in the house.  Like i couldn't bring myself to even go in there much.  I had a crib in pieces in there, and other little baby stuff I have collected over the years.  I decided it was time to clear out the room.  So I took everything out.  I chose to make it my private meditation escape room.  I picked some really great colors, actually called "sanctuary" and "zen".  I went to town on that space!  It was like clearing out my head.  Moving out all those feelings of failure and wanting.  I love that room now.  It is my room.  Right now, I'm actually keeping baby chicks in there:)  So really, I got my babies in that room!  It really helped to have something else to focus on for a minute.  And giving myself a private place has helped a lot too.  It is my place to feel what ever I want, cry if I need, sit and rage at the world if I need!  The sitting and meditating is next on the list.  I have a few yoga moves that my doctor gave me to work on for fertility I want to really start doing too!  Feeling good about it all today!

Long time no see...

I haven't gotten on here in a bit.  I had my 34th birthday and then took a vacation down to the keys of Florida.  I went to visit with my father, sister and her family.  I was hoping to get in some time to talk with her about everything I am going through.  But I forgot how uncomfortable the whole thing makes most people.  I understand, it is a sensitive subject, but really?  Is it that bad?  Or what ever happened to just hugs?  Oh well.  The ocean was beautiful and I did get to have my drinks with umbrellas!  Yay!  On the way home I sat in front of a young mom with three little kids all under the age of four.  When we were getting off, she had no help and three sleeping kids!  I asked her if she wanted me to carry one of them to help her.  So I carried a sleeping year old baby.  Oh man, trying to hold back the tears!  It was so sweet, the heavy weight of a little one totally asleep.  It hit me in that spot, you know the one.  Deep in the center of my being that wants that so bad.  Near my stomach, behind my heart.  It was a sweet moment.  She was really grateful, but so was I.

Quiet Sunday

You know what I did today?  I took myself for a pedicure and guilt free shopping.  I didn't even buy anything, but I really had fun.  Even though the mall was full of pregnant girls, I didn't even mind. (and I mean it, I don't think one of them could have been over 22)  I was thinking a lot about this blog and how it is making me feel better.  My last post about envy was scary to even write.  But every reply just made me really feel okay, like I wasn't even close to the monster I felt like.  So thank you guys.  Thanks for sending me hugs and support.  Thanks for just going through all of this so I don't feel so alone.  Hugs back to all of you!

envy

Ugh.  I really am having a hard time with envy.  My sister in law sent me the link to their new blog about the baby.  It is like self torture to go look at it.  But what am I suppose to do?  I feel so petty and mean.  I usually don't feel this way about anyone.  But I do right now.  And the blog is stupid.  There I said it.  It is not even written well.  Okay stop.  The civil war battle that rages in my head over this stinks.  I need to find a place where this doesn't get to me.  I need to look at everything I have and see how lucky I am.  And I am lucky.  I have almost everything I could ever want.  So why does the one thing I don't have seem more important than anything else?  Envy feels like it could eat me alive.  It is hard to hold back the things I want to say.  And I don't really say anything out loud to anyone, because of course I am really happy for anyone having a baby.  I just don't want to be part of it.  I don't want to feel sad more than I already do.  And if you have never experienced it, than you have no idea the empty pain infertility brings.  Having no control over any of it.  Wondering why why why?  Ugh.  And you can't avoid the situations that make those pains rip through your heart.  The adorable family you see in the park, the mother holding a little one so close you can feel it, the next friend or family member who just got pregnant without trying.  It will never be that magical for me.  It will be wonderful and amazing if it ever happens, but it won't ever be this special surprise.  And i know it seems childish to feel mad about all of this.  And in my life i try not to let anyone see these ugly feelings.  But they are there.  They live in me know and I have to learn how to live with them.