Being the boss blues

This whole pregnant emplyee thing is really tough.  I see myself blogging a lot about it for a while.  Here is my new dilema.  So, this gal who is pregnant is my worst employee.  I don't mean it because she is pregnant.  Before I left for the buying trip overseas, I had started to reprimand her for the incredible amount of mistakes she was making.  She is a serious space cadet.  I run a crystal new age shop so it's pretty laid back and openminded.  Honestly if you came to work high, did your job well and i never knew, I wouldn't care.  But this was not the case with her.  I had to tell her not to smoke while at work, even on breaks.  She is wonderful with customers and has a lot of knowledge about all this new age stuff.  But she can't get it right on the register to save her life.  I have tried everything to help her out.  I believe that everyone brings something special to the store and I try to help people cultivate that and overlook some of their flaws.  But this one was getting bad.  Money mistakes meant the store was just losing money.  But she is always willing to be at work as well.  So when I was getting ready to leave for the trip, I put off any serious probation for her until I got back.  I just needed everyone there and happy while i was gone.  But bam!  When I get back she tells me she is pregnant.  Great.  Now I'm in a shitty situation.  For the past few days she has been feeling sick at work and going home, not doing her share of the "chores", and continuing to make register mistakes.  But now I'm afraid i feel extra annoyed by this all because i am annoyed that she is pregnant and I am resenting her.  I'm worried that that may be true and others will think it is.  I feel like it will look like I am punishing her for being pregnant.  Who yells at a pregnant girl or even worse have to let her go?  I had an empoyee a few years ago get pregnant and have her baby.  It was right before we started trying and I was more than happy to bend over backwards to help her.  But she was my best person on the job.  She didn't want any special treatment and worked sometimes until I would make her go home.  Ugh.  I know a little part is the jealousy.  But now I just feel confused how much is my feelings and the truth.

Pregnant employee

Its been a while since I was on here.  Just living the roller coaster of life.  When I got home from my trip to Bali I was feeling really positive and good.  I had such a beautiful time visiting Tirtha Empul, the healing water temple.  It was a day that made me feel the hope again.  I smiled and cried and sent of prayers to everyone going through this pain of infertility.  But just a few days ago it started to get hard again.  I have another sister in law who announced they were expecting.  Two days later they told everyone it is twins.  She gets two, I get none!  Then one of my employees told me she thought she might be pregnant.  Ugh.  I kept on her about taking a test.  She was scared because she never wanted kids.  I finally got a text at work of her and baby daddy that said "Hi auntie" Stuck up in my office I acted so happy for them and announced it to the other staff.  I stuffed all those feelings down.  Really???  They get to be pregnant?  She is two months pregnant!  Yeah, she didn't want to take the test last month.  I know it sounds awful, but she does not deserve this.  She smokes more weed than anyone I know.  She can barely take care of herself.  Her and the daddy sleep on a futon in their kitchen slash living room!  I'm sorry, I know I have no place to judge, but I just feel so pissed about it.  I even feel a little embarrassed that they could get pregnant and we can't!  I just think what is so wrong with me?  Ugh and know I am going to have to pretend the whole time how great this is.  I'm her boss.  This is going to be so hard for me.  I hate it. I really really really hate it.  And I have to hide it all really well.  The past few days have been so hard going through the whole excited thing.  My husband is good friends with the dad, so we have had to go over and celebrate over and over again.  Talking about baby due dates and the amazing feelings and pregnancy planning.  Today she brought her mom to work to share in all the excitement. Yuk.  Phew.  This is the first time i have been able to just vent it out.  I will have to for the next seven months because I may just explode or develop an ulcer in the mean time.  This feeling is gonna stick around for a while.  Ugh.]

I am in Bali for work shopping my butt off! I know, life is rough. Thank god for this trip because it got me through the last few months. It was a perfect distraction from the issues of ttc. I am heading to a healing water temple and fertility shrine today. It is a Hindu temple in Ubud, Bali. I am really open to all religion. Plus, it can't hurt. Here in the villages, they have "Balians", which are the healers. The locals always go to their healer and rarely to a doctor. Our guide, Nyoman, is also bringing me to his Balian today! He said he hopes that his Balian will help me to get pregnant and then I can say my baby came from their temple:)I'm excited and very curious. I'll write again later all about it. And I am sending out prayers at the temple for all my infertile sisters!

Tiny babies and little kids

Every year my husband I spend about a week with his family.  His big family!  We all meet up at Lake Powell and pile into our houseboat together.  This year it was twelve adults and nine kids.  The littlest one turned one month while we where there.  And there was one pregnant sister in law.  I was pretty nervous about how the trip would make me feel.  A tiny baby? And a preggo?  Ugh, the anxiety was killing me.  I just didn’t want to break down or even feel that evil jealous monster!  But I did it, and with a great big smile.  The baby was probably the hardest.  But I went right for it.  I grabbed that tiny baby the moment he showed up.  And it was hard.  He is so cute and small!  The feeling in my stomach threatened to just take over, but I kept smiling.  It was hard.  The feeling is so odd; it sits right in the middle of your body.  Right by your heart and in your stomach.  It is a longing that is impossible to describe.  I could physically feel it.  Similar to heartbreak, but it’s own special pain.  That feeling stayed with me just about the whole time.  It would flare up at the strangest times.  And not only when the kids were being cute.  It was when they were tired and cranky and crying that I felt it.  I could here their parents consoling them and that feeling was right there.  People makes jokes like “aren’t you feeling lucky now that you don’t have any kids?” but no, it’s not how I feel.  I would take all of the bad with the good if I could just have a chance.  If I could just have my own kids to bring on vacation and hang out with all of their cousins, I would be the happiest lady around!  I cuddled and loved up all of those kids so much!  I filled up my little well of kid love I so needed.  I was really proud of myself for handling it all so well.  I barely cried at all, until I got home.  But we all know how that is right?  Crying in the safety of our own bedroom.  But, it wasn’t so bad.  I just have sweet memories of the trip and a little pride in myself for being me and experiencing the happiness that families bring.

Things have been ging along pretty well lately.  I mean, I'm not pregnant, but I haven't had much heart in it anyway lately.  But in a couple of days is our annual family trip.  We head up to lake Powell for a few days on a houseboat.  There are about twenty of us.  Yup, all of my husbands siblings and their kids.  And of course there is a newborn (about three weeks old) and a very pregnant sil.  I know I can make it through it all, but I just don't want to even feel sad or jealous.  I'm tired of all of it.  I just wish i could go back to my old self.  But that is impossible now. I'm a different person.  I will not show any of the pain though.  I will hold it in until I can be alone and cry my little eyes out.  Luckily my hormaones are pretty normal right now.  But we will see.  Maybe I will have to blog from the lake and reach out!

Overthinking

I always thought that if I was going to be good at one thing in life, it was going to be being a mother.  Somehow, all of my shortcomings everywhere else was going to be made up with how great I was pregnant and as a mother.  It was all going to come to me so naturally.  Well, I'm starting to doubt all of that.  Just another thing that infertility is robbing me of.  I see new mothers and think, "they are so much better at this than I probably would".  I mean, I can't even get pregnant.  I know, I know, chin up.  What if I was the worst pregnant woman?  What if my hormones rage out of control and no one can stand to be around me?  Or what if I have a baby and am not able to handle it?  What if it's all too much?  After all the ups and downs the past two years of ttc, I don't know how good I am at handling much.  Could I have a baby, a full time job, and a house to keep up?  I don't know anymore.   I have had too much time to over think all of this.

Sister love

Well I made it through.  My sister in laws baby was born last weekend after a short and pretty easy birth.  He was born on Mother's Day.  Wow.  The days before I reached out; a lot of texting all day, everyday.  It was hard, but I wanted to prove to everyone that my not having a baby wasn't making me bitter.  I have continued to talk to the new family everyday.  I feel really good about it.  Even the pictures don't make me feel too sad.  Somehow now that the baby is here, I feel okay.
          Mother's Day was hard.  I just felt sad.  Probably like everyone else in my shoes.  I tried to keep my chin up.  I bought myself a new dress, went to the gym and pampered myself in the sauna.  When I got home I just kept along with the day.  I was going to post a blog, but for some reason the internet was out all day.  Then I got an email from one of my other sisters.  She is the mother of five and probably one of the most fertile ladies I know.  It was addressed to "My two favorite mothers" (it was to my other s.i.l. who has been trying for nine years)  I wanted to share it with you all because it was the sweetest thing that could have happened that day.  I read it and fell to my bedroom floor crying.  Here you go
 
         " My dearest, sweetest sisters, just wanted to send my love and greetings on this beautiful mother's day.  Just want to wish you a happy one and express how much I love and adore both of you!!!  I was just thinking about you guys, as we celebrate with Mitch and Denice.  I know we're all so happy for them today, but I also know that it's both happy and painful and full of heartache all at the same time.  I just want you to know that I ache with you, and cried with you this morning...    I just want you both to know that you ARE absolutely mothers on this day!  And you're two of the best I've ever known!!  Don't think that you're not!!  You already are!  Your babies don't have to be here in your arms yet, ...they are just not here yet, but you are ALREADY MOTHERS!!  Because that's what we are as women, all of us, from the beginning of time, and always will be.  It's the truth, it's in our hearts, and we know it's at the center of who we are!   And I know that neither of you have any idea of the wonderful mothering, nurturing influence you have, and have had on so many!! ( no women ever really see their own influence)  Just want to remind you that I've seen it, felt it, and I hope to remind you of the power of all the good you do in this world every day, as good women who do what is right, and lift others!!   It's the truth, so don't even try to deny it.   I can't really express what's truly in my heart and my feelings for you, but I just want you to know that I'm thinking about both of you, and send you all of my love and several, good soothing hugs, so you can cry your eyes out and feel just a tiny bit better.  xoxo

with all my love,

Celeste"

It was so nice to feel that love from someone I thought could never understand.  It could have been written to any of us!  And it is true.  We are still mother's on the inside!  We have lived a life preparing for something that we were born with.  The instinct to nurture and love.  It doesn't make it any easier to not have the baby now, but it makes me feel better knowing that I still am that person.  I am going to be a mother.  Someway, somehow.