Every year my husband I spend about a week with his
family. His big family! We all meet up at Lake Powell and pile
into our houseboat together. This
year it was twelve adults and nine kids.
The littlest one turned one month while we where there. And there was one pregnant sister in
law. I was pretty nervous about
how the trip would make me feel. A
tiny baby? And a preggo? Ugh, the
anxiety was killing me. I just
didn’t want to break down or even feel that evil jealous monster! But I did it, and with a great big
smile. The baby was probably the
hardest. But I went right for it. I grabbed that tiny baby the moment he
showed up. And it was hard. He is so cute and small! The feeling in my stomach threatened to
just take over, but I kept smiling.
It was hard. The feeling is
so odd; it sits right in the middle of your body. Right by your heart and in your stomach. It is a longing that is impossible to
describe. I could physically feel
it. Similar to heartbreak, but it’s
own special pain. That feeling
stayed with me just about the whole time.
It would flare up at the strangest times. And not only when the kids were being cute. It was when they were tired and cranky
and crying that I felt it. I could
here their parents consoling them and that feeling was right there. People makes jokes like “aren’t you
feeling lucky now that you don’t have any kids?” but no, it’s not how I
feel. I would take all of the bad
with the good if I could just have a chance. If I could just have my own kids to bring on vacation and
hang out with all of their cousins, I would be the happiest lady around! I cuddled and loved up all of those
kids so much! I filled up my
little well of kid love I so needed.
I was really proud of myself for handling it all so well. I barely cried at all, until I got
home. But we all know how that is
right? Crying in the safety of our
own bedroom. But, it wasn’t so
bad. I just have sweet memories of
the trip and a little pride in myself for being me and experiencing the
happiness that families bring.
About Me
- infertilemyrtle
- Simple girl looking for the one thing that I have been wanting my whole life, a child. Sounds easy right? Well, not the case here...
You are such a brave lady. We also had a family get together this weekend. Our youngest were 1, 2, and 5, but still difficult. I am proud of you too!
ReplyDeleteFamily get togethers were so hard and the youngest is 4 and the oldest is 8 not even a tiny baby to make me green. You are such a strong person!
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog and so glad I did. Hard to keep from crying as I read your post today. My husband and I have been trying for 8 years to get pregnant, but it hasn't happened yet. I totally understand your feelings and wanted to thank you for sharing them. http://joannetroppello.weebly.com/blog.html
ReplyDeleteEight years!! You must be a strong lady! Thanks for reading, it has helped me through so much. It makes me feel not so alone with all the beautiful ladies who understand out there!
DeleteI just recently found your blog, and I wanted to thank you for being so honest in it. I feel like so many other infertility blogs I find only focus on "being positive". Yes, I would love to be positive, but it is hard after 3 years of trying to have a baby with no success. My sister in law just announced her 4th pregnancy...only 2 months after announcing that they were going to start trying again. Just knowing there are others out there for support is so helpful. I just wanted to thank you.
ReplyDeleteI recently found your blog too and so much of your post resonated with me. It is so hard to be positive when everyone around me seems to get pregnant so easily and it just makes me become more and more secretive about our struggle to have a baby.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for writing such a honest post, it helps to know that other people feel the same way around babies and little kids.