Quiet Sunday

You know what I did today?  I took myself for a pedicure and guilt free shopping.  I didn't even buy anything, but I really had fun.  Even though the mall was full of pregnant girls, I didn't even mind. (and I mean it, I don't think one of them could have been over 22)  I was thinking a lot about this blog and how it is making me feel better.  My last post about envy was scary to even write.  But every reply just made me really feel okay, like I wasn't even close to the monster I felt like.  So thank you guys.  Thanks for sending me hugs and support.  Thanks for just going through all of this so I don't feel so alone.  Hugs back to all of you!

envy

Ugh.  I really am having a hard time with envy.  My sister in law sent me the link to their new blog about the baby.  It is like self torture to go look at it.  But what am I suppose to do?  I feel so petty and mean.  I usually don't feel this way about anyone.  But I do right now.  And the blog is stupid.  There I said it.  It is not even written well.  Okay stop.  The civil war battle that rages in my head over this stinks.  I need to find a place where this doesn't get to me.  I need to look at everything I have and see how lucky I am.  And I am lucky.  I have almost everything I could ever want.  So why does the one thing I don't have seem more important than anything else?  Envy feels like it could eat me alive.  It is hard to hold back the things I want to say.  And I don't really say anything out loud to anyone, because of course I am really happy for anyone having a baby.  I just don't want to be part of it.  I don't want to feel sad more than I already do.  And if you have never experienced it, than you have no idea the empty pain infertility brings.  Having no control over any of it.  Wondering why why why?  Ugh.  And you can't avoid the situations that make those pains rip through your heart.  The adorable family you see in the park, the mother holding a little one so close you can feel it, the next friend or family member who just got pregnant without trying.  It will never be that magical for me.  It will be wonderful and amazing if it ever happens, but it won't ever be this special surprise.  And i know it seems childish to feel mad about all of this.  And in my life i try not to let anyone see these ugly feelings.  But they are there.  They live in me know and I have to learn how to live with them.

Little stitches

I just got back from a really great buying trip for work.  I get to go to the Tucson Gem and Jewelry show every year and buy lots of beautiful pieces.  I travel with a dear friend and coworker.  It was timed perfect this year because it was the six days before my period.  I decided to not bring any preggo tests with me.  You know, just let it go and have fun.  And I did.  But, of course I thought about the possibilities everyday.  I thought maybe I am pregnant!  I try to think positive because I do believe it helps you get what you want. But it is so scary to think that.  The let down is so harsh, that it has become almost impossible for me to really believe it.  But I didn't get down.  I had a lot to distant me that is for sure!  Like the ten grand my boss gave me to shop!  On my way home, my period came.  I didn't feel crushed this time, just let down.  Every month this happens, a little piece of my heart breaks.  Like little tears in my heart.  And every month I stitch tiny stitches to hold it together.  I take a breath and try to put it back together.  There are 20 breaks in my little heart.  And 20 spots I have carefully tried to put back together.