Vacation

I love to travel.  It could be near or far, I don't care.  I just love exploring and seeing new things.  Since we have started down this road of TTC, we have not done much of it.  I always think, but what if I'm pregnant.  What if I plan some amazing vacation, and then I'm sick with morning sickness.  What if it is in the way of my ovulation?  All of these what ifs.  I can travel for my work as a buyer to amazing countries around the world.  But it is hard work and it probably wouldn't be the best idea to be preggers doing it.  India, Nepal, and Bali.  All of them I need to get back to for work.  But it has all taken a back burner seat.  My family is meeting up in the Keys this winter.  I couldn't book my tickets for so long, because what if?  I finally just did it today.  And still I think "I hope if I 'm newly pregnant I'm not sick"  Stupid right?  Ugh.  I just keep thinking this month is it!  Imagine if I get to Florida, and I can tell everyone that I'm finally going to have a baby!  That would be the best!

Ready, set, go!!!

It is time again.  Time to sex it up.  Ovulation time!!  Strange, I was looking forward to it, getting all amped up.  But then it all just fizzled out.  I should have been just trying and trying.  But over the weekend, I just let it slip.  I slept on the couch Saturday night and didn't even get up until 12:30.  I was feeling totally depressed.  I just couldn't bring myself to get sexy.  And it didn't seem like my husband was into it either.  Blah.  Can't get pregnant if you don't do the deed.  I don't think he quite understands how sad this is making me.  He says that weekend are a drag because I am always so down around the house.  Well, yeah, maybe I am.  I spend the whole week acting like everything is okay.  That I am really just fine.  I hide the sadness from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep.  I just keep on truckin'.  Then the weekend comes.  I try to hide it at home too.  But, you know, I live there too.  And it is suppose to be my safe place to feel anyway I want.  But I don't always get that.  I try to be okay there too.  Because I dont' want to put my darling out.  I don't want him to feel this way too.  Sometimes I just can't hide it.  And yesterday, I wasn't even acting so sad.  Just tried to keep to myself.  We talked a little about it.  He doesn't understand why I wouldn't be trying to be happy.  What?!?!  I try all the fucking time.  I explained that it is a deep sad tired that I am starting to feel.  That I try my hardest to be fine.  He said that having a child is not worth being this sad.  He might be right.  When do call it quits?  When do I decide that I am really broken and should stop hurting myself like this?  Or do I just keep going?  Does it mean that I am week because I have only tried for so long?  It's like everything is on hold.  Everything I plan is planned around "what if I am pregnant?".  What if I'm ovulating?  What if I have my really bad period?  My cycle has taken control of my life.  I used to be filled with hope after sex that "this could be the time!".  I don't really feel that anymore.  I don't feel excited right now.  I think maybe subconsciously I don't want to have sex because it just means I could be let down in two weeks.  Let down in a way I don't think I can handle anymore.  Ugh.  How do I get that back?  That fun.  That happiness about trying.  That sweet look to the future....

Back to the beginning

Day ten of the cycle.  Okay, so, I have had a few days of time to relax between my period and starting this all over.  I love those few days.  It's like a tiny mini vacation.  There is no possible way I am pregnant and I am finished with the crappy days of my period. Ahhh.  But today will begin the rest all over with.  Today i will begin to pee on sticks again.  Waiting for the line to show up telling me I am ovulating.  So lots of sex fro the next week.  Sounds good, but at this point, sex can be harder.  But I'm optimistic right now.  Back to myself.  On the upswing of things.  I'm going to ride these happy feelings as long as I can.  It is astounding to me that at one moment I am as low as I possibly can be, and then I just pick up the pieces and try again.  Over and over and over again.  Women who have tried to get pregnant for over a year are stronger for it.  We should just have a "bad ass" girl club;)  And I think it will make me a better mom.  Because i had to really think it through and I really want it.  Phew.  it is all so big to go through and to even think about.  Hopefully someday I will look back and feel so proud of myself that this did not completely break me.

New one

So this is new one.  I never needed to take a test this month because i started my period early.  So by day four, when my period was really lite still and had no cramps, i started to think "maybe I am pregnant?"  Really?  I googled it of course, the worst thing anyone can do with a question like that.  Could i be pregnant and have a really lite period?  That little tiny voice wouldn't let it go this time.  Damn it!!  I'm over this.  I'm over the hoping and praying!  I can't even imagine a test with a positive result.  I am having a harder time even imagining having a child.  Maybe we are meant to not have kids.  And what if that was not so bad?  How much of who I am is wrapped up in this?  It makes you really dig deep,  Why you want a child? What is it I need out of this?  So many questions.  I'm sick of that too!  All the wondering.  The crappy feeling of something being wrong with me.  It is not good for the old self confidence!  Maybe the universe is telling me something...

And there it is.

Well, fuck.  Literally after I wrote the last post, I went to pee, and there it was.  Four days early.  I hadn't even peed on the stick yet.  I'm starting to really think that I cannot get pregnant.  Deep down I'm feeling that.  I know, I know.  Don't say it or maybe I will manifest it.  Well I've been trying to manifest getting pregnant forever and that isn't working.  I have to try to go get that stupid HSG test.  I am so scared of it.  I have to find out if my insurance covers it.  I have to find out if I can go to it up here.  At least then I can find out if it is just impossible to get pregnant.  There is nothing wrong with my husband, so there must be something wrong with me.  Something is wrong with me.

ugh...

And so it begins.  I can feel the slight cramping of my period.  But I don't expect it for days.  So now will be the toilet paper game.  Waiting to see the first signs so that little voice will quiet down about being preggo.  It's like just waiting for the big letdown.  But at least then it will be time to move on.  It really sucks.  And the fact that my period always brings throw-up inducing painful cramps, I can't wait.  And most likely, at some point in the next couple of days, my hormones will rage up and war with my emotions.  So much to look forward to.

Countdown

Four days till the arrival of my favorite week.  My period.  This week is usually full of secret ideas that maybe this time I'm pregnant.  But you know what?  I'm not.  I can tell.  I have no symptoms.  I am fine.  My boobs even started to NOT hurt yesterday.  But there is that tiny stupid voice that says "maybe".  Maybe part of me just starts to put up a wall to make the day my period gets here not so bad.  Or maybe I am just sick and tired of all of this.  I know I just have to start all over next week.  And I'm not sure if I want to.  I kind of just want my life back.  I want sex to be anytime and more fun.  Actually, I would like to take a break from sex all together.  But I think my husband may think different:)  I wish now, I could just speed up my period and get it over with.  I'm just tired.  And the deep down kind.

Guilt

My husband has a big family.  Six brothers and sisters.  And a huge extended family.  They are mostly LDS (Mormon) so lots and lots of kids and pregnant people.  But for some reason I have one awful issue.  And I hate it.  My husbands brother just got married last June.  Since we live in the same town, we are pretty close with the newlyweds.  They have a wedding photography business and decided to move to Denver.  It was only three months after they got married.  So, we were helping them pack the last night.  She waited until it was just us in the room and very nervously told me she was pregnant.  Ugh.  My first experience with that pain.  It was like someone punched me in the stomach.  I jumped and hugged and hid my pain.  I immediately called for my husband to tell him to get in the house, pretending excitement.  I just couldn't handle it on my own.  Somehow lost in translation, he thought I had just told them I was pregnant. Great, awesome.  I continued to be really happy and hold in the pain.  It was almost impossible to hold back the tears.  It was like I couldn't breathe.  So I headed to the bathroom.  I hated feeling so jealous. I hated feeling the way I was.  I quietly cried in the bathroom and texted a friend to just get it out.  I couldn't wait to get out of their house.  We helped finish up and said our goodbyes.  We got in the car and didn't say a word to each other for the ride home.  It was like we had no idea what to say or feel.  We both felt awful for feeling angry.  We got home, sat on our deck, grabbed a drink, and just sat for a minute.  Luckily our neighbor showed up and broke the ice.  We just said honestly that they were pregnant and we were jealous.  The next morning my only saving grace was that the had moved and I would not have to see them again for a while.  Nice right?  I was hating myself for being so upset.  Since then, I have tried my best to keep in contact.  I text and make jokes and seem really supportive.  But I'm still so bummed out by it.  Why???  Why do I feel jealous?? Why can't I just get over it?  I don't want to talk to her.  I think she saw a fb post yesterday about being tired of all the trying and she called me.  She is the last person I would want to talk to about it.  That is terrible.  But true.  I am going to have to face this soon.  There is going to be a little boy soon.  Fuck, that just hurts.  Lucky lucky lucky.  Grrr. She wants me to be there for the birth.  Umm, I wish I were a bigger person.  But I don't know if I can.  I don't know if I could handle it.  The pain might be too much and I wouldn't want to ruin anything for them.  Ugh.  It really sucks.  It really really really sucks.

The waiting game

Here I am.  In the waiting period after ovulation but before the monthly due date.  This part is so hard.  Just waiting.  Pretending like I'm not completely obsessed with the idea that this time maybe it happened.  But lately, those thought hide deep in my head.  Outwardly, I just don't have much hope for it.  I try not to put too much into it.  I'm more worried about the let down, again.  And my hormones don't help.  I was put on birth control when I was pretty young (way before I started having sex) to help control the mood swings and severe cramps.  I ditched the birth control in my mid twenties and paid for it!  I thought I was going crazy, but really just had hormones that rage out of control and ruin my life.  I wouldn't admit that all of my depression and high anxiety could have anything to due with PMS.  But that was a huge part of it.  I was a mess, no stable place to live, bad boyfriend, couldn't keep a job for long (always moving), hated myself, cried all the time, and looked to drugs and drinking to escape it all.  When I smartened up, I got back on the birth control and leveled everything out.  Even my periods, which are really heavy with incredible cramps that always make me throw up, evened out to a quiet monthly.  Things got so much better.  I settled down, found an amazing job, met my incredible husband, bought a house, and learned to really love life.  I have now been off of the birth control for about two and a half years.  It is all coming back now.  It is creeping in slowly, but I can feel it.  I am starting to loose my grip on reality during my pms.  I start actually believing that there are serious things wrong in my life.  And the anxiety of an upcoming period and it's unreal cramps is almost unbearable.  I have been to doctors to help me along.  I have started antidepressants (which just makes me more sad, I thought I was over all of that) and have been given giant ibuprofen that has moved over to painkillers that i usually throw up anyway.  So, to say the least, I am pretty nervous this time of the month.  I feel like nowadays I get maybe one good week a month.  The other three I am hormonal, bleeding, or just waiting for the shit to hit the fan.  And maybe the news of another negative pregnancy test wouldn't be so bad if it didn't come at the height of my hormonal swing.  What a sick fucking trick from mother nature.  And no matter how convinced I am not pregnant, until I see that red, I have this secret hope that this time is it!  That maybe my pms symptoms are actually pregnancy symptoms.  That maybe I am feeling nauseous this morning.  Maybe my smell is stronger.  Maybe my boobs hurt so bad because I've got my wish.  But I keep this all to myself.  Keep a smile on my face.  No one really wants to talk to an angry infertile women about to get her period!

keep going right...

So, I have this blog to just rant and purge.  I actually felt like I didn't have a right to do this because I haven't been trying long enough compared to so many women I have read about.  And I haven't ventured into the world of infertility doctors and clinics.  Honestly, I am scared of that road.  My hormones are so crazy when they are on their own without birth control, that adding to that scares me.  I wouldn't be able to live my life.  It is already keeping me from loving life right now!  How would I be able to keep my marriage together and run my store feeling even crazier?  I'm just barely holding on now.  I have tried lots of other things to help me along the way.  Changed my diet.  Quit smoking.  Started working out.  Started doing fertility yoga with a new therapist who also was helping me through emotional stuff.  Massage, cranial sacral work, myofascial release, acupuncture.  I've taken every vitamin, mineral, and herb for fertility.  I visualize happiness.  I pee on a stick everyday it feels like for half of the month.  I chart.  I lift my hips with a pillow, but not too much. I've seen the doctor.  My husband has had his semen analyzed.  He is on a regiment of herbs and vitamins.  I've tried pre seed.  Even with all of this I was feeling like I had no right to complain since I haven't entered the world of clomid and daily shots.  But it doesn't matter to me any more.  I have to get this out.  I have to say it all out loud and this is the closest I can come.

This is it.

So here it is.  My first post on this blog.  Well, my first blog really.  I guess I just needed a secret spot to really put out there all the feelings I've been having about my infertilty problems.  Now just need a place to start.  I guess the beginning will do.  I'm 33 years old about to turn 34 in a month.  I have been married to my amazing husband for almost four years.  We decided to start trying for a baby eighteen months ago, a year and a half. A year before we started actively trying I took myself off birth control.  Deciding to try for a baby was one of the most exciting decisions I have ever made.  Finally!  After dreaming of this my whole life, it was going to happen. I was going to be a mom! I was so optimistic.  It was perfect.  Baby making sex was amazing!  It had this beautiful purpose that we both shared in.  Ahhh, that was an incredible time;)  But that seems like a long time ago.  The first few negative pregnancy tests were a bummer.  But no big deal right?  I had been pregnant once, it was the wrong time, the wrong guy and I felt fine with the choice I made not to have it.  So I kept thinking this should be easy.  And I just kept on thinking that for a few more months...