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Simple girl looking for the one thing that I have been wanting my whole life, a child. Sounds easy right? Well, not the case here...

Friday, February 10, 2012

envy

Ugh.  I really am having a hard time with envy.  My sister in law sent me the link to their new blog about the baby.  It is like self torture to go look at it.  But what am I suppose to do?  I feel so petty and mean.  I usually don't feel this way about anyone.  But I do right now.  And the blog is stupid.  There I said it.  It is not even written well.  Okay stop.  The civil war battle that rages in my head over this stinks.  I need to find a place where this doesn't get to me.  I need to look at everything I have and see how lucky I am.  And I am lucky.  I have almost everything I could ever want.  So why does the one thing I don't have seem more important than anything else?  Envy feels like it could eat me alive.  It is hard to hold back the things I want to say.  And I don't really say anything out loud to anyone, because of course I am really happy for anyone having a baby.  I just don't want to be part of it.  I don't want to feel sad more than I already do.  And if you have never experienced it, than you have no idea the empty pain infertility brings.  Having no control over any of it.  Wondering why why why?  Ugh.  And you can't avoid the situations that make those pains rip through your heart.  The adorable family you see in the park, the mother holding a little one so close you can feel it, the next friend or family member who just got pregnant without trying.  It will never be that magical for me.  It will be wonderful and amazing if it ever happens, but it won't ever be this special surprise.  And i know it seems childish to feel mad about all of this.  And in my life i try not to let anyone see these ugly feelings.  But they are there.  They live in me know and I have to learn how to live with them.

12 comments:

  1. I went through this same thing when my sister in law popped up pregnant. I was sorta happy for them, but more jealous. It's an ugly feeling. You are not a bad person for feeling this way. It's only normal given the circumstances. Feel free to email me if you need to chat :) hang in there.

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  2. Read your post after writing mine today...I can't believe the similarities. I am relieved to know there are others out there who feel like I do. Thanks for your posts :)

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  3. I think that we put on such a front because we don't want others to know how we feel, how it burns everytime someone says, oh isn't it about time for you and Matt to have a LO, or you've been married long enough, etc etc. Since we put on the front everything sits inside and grows. I'm thankful for your blog, the other blogs I follow and my blog to share my feelings and try to let some of them out so I don't become a bitter person. *hugs*

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  4. I just found your blog and am following now. My husband and I are dealing with infertility, too, and I never knew I was capable of such ugly feelings! Two of my sisters-in-law have announced pregnancies since last November. It is very hard to be happy for them when we've been trying for 18 months! Also, I attended a triple baby shower for 3 pregnant co-workers yesterday. I was just glad that I didn't cry until I was alone in my car on the way home! Please check out my blog if you ever need to feel better about negative emotions...I write about my struggles with jealousy a lot lately! I am so sorry that you are dealing with this challenge. I haven't read enough to know your whole story, but I will be reading as you journey to start a family!

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  5. First of all, XOXOXO <>
    Second of all, I totally get it! It's so hard. Jealousy is an ugly monster. But it's ok to have those feelings. It's natural. That's what we are all here for. To hear you & listen. To relate & sympathize. To offer support & compassion. Please remind me of this when my sister in law announces her second pregnancy. I feel it coming soon. Ugh......

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  6. You guys are the best! Thank you so much for understanding all of this. As long as I've got this outlet, I can keep on trying!

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  7. Envy is the worst, but it is so hard not to feel that way when your thoughts are constantly consummed by trying to get pregnant and carrying a child. You are not alone. The best thing you are doing is sharing it with a bunch of women who feel exactly the same. You can't help your feelings.

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  8. My sister in law also has a ridiculous website. Not sure how or why she spends all that time updating it. Seems like it would be better spent with the baby. Whenever I feel pangs of jealousy, I try to separate it from my future family. I try to remember how special and unique mine will be one day, and how much more I will appreciate it than them.

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  9. My BF and I decided to do inseminations with donor. In Quebec, you have to meet with a psychologist before you start insemination. At one point, she asked me if I ever get jealous. I rolled my eyes and said "gosh do I ever. I'm so sick of all those FB updates about how cute their kids are because they got cheerios stuck up their noses". My BF wanted to die because I said it out loud. The psychologist laughed and said that it's totally normal. She would actually worry more if I didn't have those feelings. Without turning totally ugly, I do allow myself to indulge occasionally in bits of jealousy!

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  10. I struggle with envy a lot. I was talking to a group of women at church who are struggling with infertility, and we found that we all felt this--and it was related to how worthy we felt others were of a baby (to an extent). For example, if someone was really nice or had struggled with infertility, too, we were more OK with that person being pregnant. However, if an annoying girl gets pregnant on her honeymoon and flaunts it, we loathe being around her and find her "less worthy." Obviously, this thinking is flawed, but you are right---if you haven't gone through infertility, you can't imagine it.

    You aren't alone!

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  11. I just started following you as I just got the nerve to start my own infertility blog and let the world know that I'm a reproductive failure! I know this post is from a while ago but it caught my eye because I'm dealing with it. My sister-in-law had her first baby on Wednesday. It's hard to admit these feelings but they're real and you're right-no one understands unless they've been there. I'm looking forward to reading more.

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  12. It is so nice to have some place to go where I can see that I am not alone in my feelings, so I thank you for that. I completely udnerstand, my sister-in-law got pregnant with her boyfriend she had for less than 6 months, while she was taking the depo shot. I cried hysterically out of jealousy, envy, anger, and sorrow when I found out she was expecting. Several of my friends have conceived while my husband and I have been on our fertility journey and it is so hard to put on a happy face and wish them well. I really am happy for them because babies are wonderful, I just wish it was me....I REALLY wish it was me! I am feeling especially low today because today I started my period (we all know how awful that feels each month, a lot like failure). To top it all off, I was at my in-laws and my mother-in-law said to us (as we were jokingly trying to steal our nephew) that "you've got to be pretty lucky to be able to have one of those" I almost snapped, it was so insensitive of her. So ONce again, it is nice to know that what I am feeling is 'normal' and that I am not alone. Because the people with babies just don't get it. I'm not even going to get into my pet-peeves about 'there must be something in the water' or 'I get pregnant everytime my husband touches me'
    GRRR!!!!

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