About Me

My photo
Simple girl looking for the one thing that I have been wanting my whole life, a child. Sounds easy right? Well, not the case here...

Monday, June 18, 2012

Tiny babies and little kids

Every year my husband I spend about a week with his family.  His big family!  We all meet up at Lake Powell and pile into our houseboat together.  This year it was twelve adults and nine kids.  The littlest one turned one month while we where there.  And there was one pregnant sister in law.  I was pretty nervous about how the trip would make me feel.  A tiny baby? And a preggo?  Ugh, the anxiety was killing me.  I just didn’t want to break down or even feel that evil jealous monster!  But I did it, and with a great big smile.  The baby was probably the hardest.  But I went right for it.  I grabbed that tiny baby the moment he showed up.  And it was hard.  He is so cute and small!  The feeling in my stomach threatened to just take over, but I kept smiling.  It was hard.  The feeling is so odd; it sits right in the middle of your body.  Right by your heart and in your stomach.  It is a longing that is impossible to describe.  I could physically feel it.  Similar to heartbreak, but it’s own special pain.  That feeling stayed with me just about the whole time.  It would flare up at the strangest times.  And not only when the kids were being cute.  It was when they were tired and cranky and crying that I felt it.  I could here their parents consoling them and that feeling was right there.  People makes jokes like “aren’t you feeling lucky now that you don’t have any kids?” but no, it’s not how I feel.  I would take all of the bad with the good if I could just have a chance.  If I could just have my own kids to bring on vacation and hang out with all of their cousins, I would be the happiest lady around!  I cuddled and loved up all of those kids so much!  I filled up my little well of kid love I so needed.  I was really proud of myself for handling it all so well.  I barely cried at all, until I got home.  But we all know how that is right?  Crying in the safety of our own bedroom.  But, it wasn’t so bad.  I just have sweet memories of the trip and a little pride in myself for being me and experiencing the happiness that families bring.


  1. You are such a brave lady. We also had a family get together this weekend. Our youngest were 1, 2, and 5, but still difficult. I am proud of you too!

  2. Family get togethers were so hard and the youngest is 4 and the oldest is 8 not even a tiny baby to make me green. You are such a strong person!

  3. Just found your blog and so glad I did. Hard to keep from crying as I read your post today. My husband and I have been trying for 8 years to get pregnant, but it hasn't happened yet. I totally understand your feelings and wanted to thank you for sharing them. http://joannetroppello.weebly.com/blog.html

    1. Eight years!! You must be a strong lady! Thanks for reading, it has helped me through so much. It makes me feel not so alone with all the beautiful ladies who understand out there!

  4. I just recently found your blog, and I wanted to thank you for being so honest in it. I feel like so many other infertility blogs I find only focus on "being positive". Yes, I would love to be positive, but it is hard after 3 years of trying to have a baby with no success. My sister in law just announced her 4th pregnancy...only 2 months after announcing that they were going to start trying again. Just knowing there are others out there for support is so helpful. I just wanted to thank you.

  5. I recently found your blog too and so much of your post resonated with me. It is so hard to be positive when everyone around me seems to get pregnant so easily and it just makes me become more and more secretive about our struggle to have a baby.

    Thank you so much for writing such a honest post, it helps to know that other people feel the same way around babies and little kids.