About Me
- infertilemyrtle
- Simple girl looking for the one thing that I have been wanting my whole life, a child. Sounds easy right? Well, not the case here...
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
mini break
So this past month we took a little break from trying. I was out of town for the whole ovulation time! I knew it was coming and I was fine with it. The break was needed. I felt a little lighter all month knowing the dreaded negative stick couldn't get to me! Ahhh, it was a nice break. I really enjoyed the calmness about the few days before my period. I didn't have a big crash. And I could really feel that. Trying so much is really exhausting. Even when you are trying "not to stress" about it all. I thought I had let a lot go. But today my husband mentioned a neighbor was pregnant. Then he slipped in that my sister in law was too. Wait, what? Another one pregnant? When did everyone find out? Oh he found out the other day. But he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to make me sad. Damn it! Even my husband is afraid of my feelings getting hurt. It made me feel so stupid. "Oh don't tell her, she will be so upset". And the sad thing is, is that it is true! But i want the choice to be sad. Don't all talk about it but without me! And this time I wasn't even really jealous, I just felt sad. I was quickly reminded about feeling like a failure. I wouldn't ever continue just trying and failing over and over again with anything else. Man it can really beat you up. Maybe if people realized that yes, I may seem sad or angry when I initially hear the news, but really I am happy for them because I am a compassionate, loving person? It's just a crappy place to be I guess. And just to show everyone that I'm not this bitter sad infertile, I sent the super excited message and love about the news!
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I feel the same way, I am sad and jealous in a way too but I am happy for people when they announce their pregnancy it just may take me a bit or I may need to have a moment to myself when I get away and sometimes I just need a good cry but like ever other person struggling with IF I pick myself back up, wipe away the tears and keep moving forward.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way. I want to have my feelings, be allowed to feel what I want to and not have people censor what I know because of how they think i will act or react. It is not anyone's right or job to decide that for you. Of course they only care, however when people do that, it makes me feel like my feelings are not ok to have. And they are. Dammit! But that also doesn't mean that I have other feelings of happiest for those people or hope that it will happen for me someday too. You write things I think all the time. I am so elated that you are blogging again. Big hugs to you and your time is there. With mine. Probably having a drink and hanging out while we wait and wait and wait.....
ReplyDeleteThis post hit close to home. I had a lot of the same feelings when I kept hearing about friends and family members getting pregnant. I was really hard on myself but I always tried to appear that it didn't affect me when I was around other people. Sometimes it was extremely hard to hold the tears back. My husband wouldn't tell me our mutual friend was pregnant because she wanted to tell me herself. I think it was harder hearing it from her. I don't know why they think it will soften the blow coming from them. Sorry if I sound angry :(. It's hard to talk about this stuff without feeling some anger. Thanks for sharing, it helps:D
ReplyDeleteUgh...It is a hard place to be. I understand how you feel...I am so happy for those pregnant gals all around me, but honestly it hurts. It sounds like you handle those feelings more gracefully than I do at times. :)
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