Ready, set, go!!!

It is time again.  Time to sex it up.  Ovulation time!!  Strange, I was looking forward to it, getting all amped up.  But then it all just fizzled out.  I should have been just trying and trying.  But over the weekend, I just let it slip.  I slept on the couch Saturday night and didn't even get up until 12:30.  I was feeling totally depressed.  I just couldn't bring myself to get sexy.  And it didn't seem like my husband was into it either.  Blah.  Can't get pregnant if you don't do the deed.  I don't think he quite understands how sad this is making me.  He says that weekend are a drag because I am always so down around the house.  Well, yeah, maybe I am.  I spend the whole week acting like everything is okay.  That I am really just fine.  I hide the sadness from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep.  I just keep on truckin'.  Then the weekend comes.  I try to hide it at home too.  But, you know, I live there too.  And it is suppose to be my safe place to feel anyway I want.  But I don't always get that.  I try to be okay there too.  Because I dont' want to put my darling out.  I don't want him to feel this way too.  Sometimes I just can't hide it.  And yesterday, I wasn't even acting so sad.  Just tried to keep to myself.  We talked a little about it.  He doesn't understand why I wouldn't be trying to be happy.  What?!?!  I try all the fucking time.  I explained that it is a deep sad tired that I am starting to feel.  That I try my hardest to be fine.  He said that having a child is not worth being this sad.  He might be right.  When do call it quits?  When do I decide that I am really broken and should stop hurting myself like this?  Or do I just keep going?  Does it mean that I am week because I have only tried for so long?  It's like everything is on hold.  Everything I plan is planned around "what if I am pregnant?".  What if I'm ovulating?  What if I have my really bad period?  My cycle has taken control of my life.  I used to be filled with hope after sex that "this could be the time!".  I don't really feel that anymore.  I don't feel excited right now.  I think maybe subconsciously I don't want to have sex because it just means I could be let down in two weeks.  Let down in a way I don't think I can handle anymore.  Ugh.  How do I get that back?  That fun.  That happiness about trying.  That sweet look to the future....