Guilt

My husband has a big family.  Six brothers and sisters.  And a huge extended family.  They are mostly LDS (Mormon) so lots and lots of kids and pregnant people.  But for some reason I have one awful issue.  And I hate it.  My husbands brother just got married last June.  Since we live in the same town, we are pretty close with the newlyweds.  They have a wedding photography business and decided to move to Denver.  It was only three months after they got married.  So, we were helping them pack the last night.  She waited until it was just us in the room and very nervously told me she was pregnant.  Ugh.  My first experience with that pain.  It was like someone punched me in the stomach.  I jumped and hugged and hid my pain.  I immediately called for my husband to tell him to get in the house, pretending excitement.  I just couldn't handle it on my own.  Somehow lost in translation, he thought I had just told them I was pregnant. Great, awesome.  I continued to be really happy and hold in the pain.  It was almost impossible to hold back the tears.  It was like I couldn't breathe.  So I headed to the bathroom.  I hated feeling so jealous. I hated feeling the way I was.  I quietly cried in the bathroom and texted a friend to just get it out.  I couldn't wait to get out of their house.  We helped finish up and said our goodbyes.  We got in the car and didn't say a word to each other for the ride home.  It was like we had no idea what to say or feel.  We both felt awful for feeling angry.  We got home, sat on our deck, grabbed a drink, and just sat for a minute.  Luckily our neighbor showed up and broke the ice.  We just said honestly that they were pregnant and we were jealous.  The next morning my only saving grace was that the had moved and I would not have to see them again for a while.  Nice right?  I was hating myself for being so upset.  Since then, I have tried my best to keep in contact.  I text and make jokes and seem really supportive.  But I'm still so bummed out by it.  Why???  Why do I feel jealous?? Why can't I just get over it?  I don't want to talk to her.  I think she saw a fb post yesterday about being tired of all the trying and she called me.  She is the last person I would want to talk to about it.  That is terrible.  But true.  I am going to have to face this soon.  There is going to be a little boy soon.  Fuck, that just hurts.  Lucky lucky lucky.  Grrr. She wants me to be there for the birth.  Umm, I wish I were a bigger person.  But I don't know if I can.  I don't know if I could handle it.  The pain might be too much and I wouldn't want to ruin anything for them.  Ugh.  It really sucks.  It really really really sucks.