The waiting game

Here I am.  In the waiting period after ovulation but before the monthly due date.  This part is so hard.  Just waiting.  Pretending like I'm not completely obsessed with the idea that this time maybe it happened.  But lately, those thought hide deep in my head.  Outwardly, I just don't have much hope for it.  I try not to put too much into it.  I'm more worried about the let down, again.  And my hormones don't help.  I was put on birth control when I was pretty young (way before I started having sex) to help control the mood swings and severe cramps.  I ditched the birth control in my mid twenties and paid for it!  I thought I was going crazy, but really just had hormones that rage out of control and ruin my life.  I wouldn't admit that all of my depression and high anxiety could have anything to due with PMS.  But that was a huge part of it.  I was a mess, no stable place to live, bad boyfriend, couldn't keep a job for long (always moving), hated myself, cried all the time, and looked to drugs and drinking to escape it all.  When I smartened up, I got back on the birth control and leveled everything out.  Even my periods, which are really heavy with incredible cramps that always make me throw up, evened out to a quiet monthly.  Things got so much better.  I settled down, found an amazing job, met my incredible husband, bought a house, and learned to really love life.  I have now been off of the birth control for about two and a half years.  It is all coming back now.  It is creeping in slowly, but I can feel it.  I am starting to loose my grip on reality during my pms.  I start actually believing that there are serious things wrong in my life.  And the anxiety of an upcoming period and it's unreal cramps is almost unbearable.  I have been to doctors to help me along.  I have started antidepressants (which just makes me more sad, I thought I was over all of that) and have been given giant ibuprofen that has moved over to painkillers that i usually throw up anyway.  So, to say the least, I am pretty nervous this time of the month.  I feel like nowadays I get maybe one good week a month.  The other three I am hormonal, bleeding, or just waiting for the shit to hit the fan.  And maybe the news of another negative pregnancy test wouldn't be so bad if it didn't come at the height of my hormonal swing.  What a sick fucking trick from mother nature.  And no matter how convinced I am not pregnant, until I see that red, I have this secret hope that this time is it!  That maybe my pms symptoms are actually pregnancy symptoms.  That maybe I am feeling nauseous this morning.  Maybe my smell is stronger.  Maybe my boobs hurt so bad because I've got my wish.  But I keep this all to myself.  Keep a smile on my face.  No one really wants to talk to an angry infertile women about to get her period!