Being the boss blues

This whole pregnant emplyee thing is really tough.  I see myself blogging a lot about it for a while.  Here is my new dilema.  So, this gal who is pregnant is my worst employee.  I don't mean it because she is pregnant.  Before I left for the buying trip overseas, I had started to reprimand her for the incredible amount of mistakes she was making.  She is a serious space cadet.  I run a crystal new age shop so it's pretty laid back and openminded.  Honestly if you came to work high, did your job well and i never knew, I wouldn't care.  But this was not the case with her.  I had to tell her not to smoke while at work, even on breaks.  She is wonderful with customers and has a lot of knowledge about all this new age stuff.  But she can't get it right on the register to save her life.  I have tried everything to help her out.  I believe that everyone brings something special to the store and I try to help people cultivate that and overlook some of their flaws.  But this one was getting bad.  Money mistakes meant the store was just losing money.  But she is always willing to be at work as well.  So when I was getting ready to leave for the trip, I put off any serious probation for her until I got back.  I just needed everyone there and happy while i was gone.  But bam!  When I get back she tells me she is pregnant.  Great.  Now I'm in a shitty situation.  For the past few days she has been feeling sick at work and going home, not doing her share of the "chores", and continuing to make register mistakes.  But now I'm afraid i feel extra annoyed by this all because i am annoyed that she is pregnant and I am resenting her.  I'm worried that that may be true and others will think it is.  I feel like it will look like I am punishing her for being pregnant.  Who yells at a pregnant girl or even worse have to let her go?  I had an empoyee a few years ago get pregnant and have her baby.  It was right before we started trying and I was more than happy to bend over backwards to help her.  But she was my best person on the job.  She didn't want any special treatment and worked sometimes until I would make her go home.  Ugh.  I know a little part is the jealousy.  But now I just feel confused how much is my feelings and the truth.

Pregnant employee

Its been a while since I was on here.  Just living the roller coaster of life.  When I got home from my trip to Bali I was feeling really positive and good.  I had such a beautiful time visiting Tirtha Empul, the healing water temple.  It was a day that made me feel the hope again.  I smiled and cried and sent of prayers to everyone going through this pain of infertility.  But just a few days ago it started to get hard again.  I have another sister in law who announced they were expecting.  Two days later they told everyone it is twins.  She gets two, I get none!  Then one of my employees told me she thought she might be pregnant.  Ugh.  I kept on her about taking a test.  She was scared because she never wanted kids.  I finally got a text at work of her and baby daddy that said "Hi auntie" Stuck up in my office I acted so happy for them and announced it to the other staff.  I stuffed all those feelings down.  Really???  They get to be pregnant?  She is two months pregnant!  Yeah, she didn't want to take the test last month.  I know it sounds awful, but she does not deserve this.  She smokes more weed than anyone I know.  She can barely take care of herself.  Her and the daddy sleep on a futon in their kitchen slash living room!  I'm sorry, I know I have no place to judge, but I just feel so pissed about it.  I even feel a little embarrassed that they could get pregnant and we can't!  I just think what is so wrong with me?  Ugh and know I am going to have to pretend the whole time how great this is.  I'm her boss.  This is going to be so hard for me.  I hate it. I really really really hate it.  And I have to hide it all really well.  The past few days have been so hard going through the whole excited thing.  My husband is good friends with the dad, so we have had to go over and celebrate over and over again.  Talking about baby due dates and the amazing feelings and pregnancy planning.  Today she brought her mom to work to share in all the excitement. Yuk.  Phew.  This is the first time i have been able to just vent it out.  I will have to for the next seven months because I may just explode or develop an ulcer in the mean time.  This feeling is gonna stick around for a while.  Ugh.]

I am in Bali for work shopping my butt off! I know, life is rough. Thank god for this trip because it got me through the last few months. It was a perfect distraction from the issues of ttc. I am heading to a healing water temple and fertility shrine today. It is a Hindu temple in Ubud, Bali. I am really open to all religion. Plus, it can't hurt. Here in the villages, they have "Balians", which are the healers. The locals always go to their healer and rarely to a doctor. Our guide, Nyoman, is also bringing me to his Balian today! He said he hopes that his Balian will help me to get pregnant and then I can say my baby came from their temple:)I'm excited and very curious. I'll write again later all about it. And I am sending out prayers at the temple for all my infertile sisters!

Tiny babies and little kids

Every year my husband I spend about a week with his family.  His big family!  We all meet up at Lake Powell and pile into our houseboat together.  This year it was twelve adults and nine kids.  The littlest one turned one month while we where there.  And there was one pregnant sister in law.  I was pretty nervous about how the trip would make me feel.  A tiny baby? And a preggo?  Ugh, the anxiety was killing me.  I just didn’t want to break down or even feel that evil jealous monster!  But I did it, and with a great big smile.  The baby was probably the hardest.  But I went right for it.  I grabbed that tiny baby the moment he showed up.  And it was hard.  He is so cute and small!  The feeling in my stomach threatened to just take over, but I kept smiling.  It was hard.  The feeling is so odd; it sits right in the middle of your body.  Right by your heart and in your stomach.  It is a longing that is impossible to describe.  I could physically feel it.  Similar to heartbreak, but it’s own special pain.  That feeling stayed with me just about the whole time.  It would flare up at the strangest times.  And not only when the kids were being cute.  It was when they were tired and cranky and crying that I felt it.  I could here their parents consoling them and that feeling was right there.  People makes jokes like “aren’t you feeling lucky now that you don’t have any kids?” but no, it’s not how I feel.  I would take all of the bad with the good if I could just have a chance.  If I could just have my own kids to bring on vacation and hang out with all of their cousins, I would be the happiest lady around!  I cuddled and loved up all of those kids so much!  I filled up my little well of kid love I so needed.  I was really proud of myself for handling it all so well.  I barely cried at all, until I got home.  But we all know how that is right?  Crying in the safety of our own bedroom.  But, it wasn’t so bad.  I just have sweet memories of the trip and a little pride in myself for being me and experiencing the happiness that families bring.

Things have been ging along pretty well lately.  I mean, I'm not pregnant, but I haven't had much heart in it anyway lately.  But in a couple of days is our annual family trip.  We head up to lake Powell for a few days on a houseboat.  There are about twenty of us.  Yup, all of my husbands siblings and their kids.  And of course there is a newborn (about three weeks old) and a very pregnant sil.  I know I can make it through it all, but I just don't want to even feel sad or jealous.  I'm tired of all of it.  I just wish i could go back to my old self.  But that is impossible now. I'm a different person.  I will not show any of the pain though.  I will hold it in until I can be alone and cry my little eyes out.  Luckily my hormaones are pretty normal right now.  But we will see.  Maybe I will have to blog from the lake and reach out!

Overthinking

I always thought that if I was going to be good at one thing in life, it was going to be being a mother.  Somehow, all of my shortcomings everywhere else was going to be made up with how great I was pregnant and as a mother.  It was all going to come to me so naturally.  Well, I'm starting to doubt all of that.  Just another thing that infertility is robbing me of.  I see new mothers and think, "they are so much better at this than I probably would".  I mean, I can't even get pregnant.  I know, I know, chin up.  What if I was the worst pregnant woman?  What if my hormones rage out of control and no one can stand to be around me?  Or what if I have a baby and am not able to handle it?  What if it's all too much?  After all the ups and downs the past two years of ttc, I don't know how good I am at handling much.  Could I have a baby, a full time job, and a house to keep up?  I don't know anymore.   I have had too much time to over think all of this.

Sister love

Well I made it through.  My sister in laws baby was born last weekend after a short and pretty easy birth.  He was born on Mother's Day.  Wow.  The days before I reached out; a lot of texting all day, everyday.  It was hard, but I wanted to prove to everyone that my not having a baby wasn't making me bitter.  I have continued to talk to the new family everyday.  I feel really good about it.  Even the pictures don't make me feel too sad.  Somehow now that the baby is here, I feel okay.
          Mother's Day was hard.  I just felt sad.  Probably like everyone else in my shoes.  I tried to keep my chin up.  I bought myself a new dress, went to the gym and pampered myself in the sauna.  When I got home I just kept along with the day.  I was going to post a blog, but for some reason the internet was out all day.  Then I got an email from one of my other sisters.  She is the mother of five and probably one of the most fertile ladies I know.  It was addressed to "My two favorite mothers" (it was to my other s.i.l. who has been trying for nine years)  I wanted to share it with you all because it was the sweetest thing that could have happened that day.  I read it and fell to my bedroom floor crying.  Here you go
 
         " My dearest, sweetest sisters, just wanted to send my love and greetings on this beautiful mother's day.  Just want to wish you a happy one and express how much I love and adore both of you!!!  I was just thinking about you guys, as we celebrate with Mitch and Denice.  I know we're all so happy for them today, but I also know that it's both happy and painful and full of heartache all at the same time.  I just want you to know that I ache with you, and cried with you this morning...    I just want you both to know that you ARE absolutely mothers on this day!  And you're two of the best I've ever known!!  Don't think that you're not!!  You already are!  Your babies don't have to be here in your arms yet, ...they are just not here yet, but you are ALREADY MOTHERS!!  Because that's what we are as women, all of us, from the beginning of time, and always will be.  It's the truth, it's in our hearts, and we know it's at the center of who we are!   And I know that neither of you have any idea of the wonderful mothering, nurturing influence you have, and have had on so many!! ( no women ever really see their own influence)  Just want to remind you that I've seen it, felt it, and I hope to remind you of the power of all the good you do in this world every day, as good women who do what is right, and lift others!!   It's the truth, so don't even try to deny it.   I can't really express what's truly in my heart and my feelings for you, but I just want you to know that I'm thinking about both of you, and send you all of my love and several, good soothing hugs, so you can cry your eyes out and feel just a tiny bit better.  xoxo

with all my love,

Celeste"

It was so nice to feel that love from someone I thought could never understand.  It could have been written to any of us!  And it is true.  We are still mother's on the inside!  We have lived a life preparing for something that we were born with.  The instinct to nurture and love.  It doesn't make it any easier to not have the baby now, but it makes me feel better knowing that I still am that person.  I am going to be a mother.  Someway, somehow.

I have been thinking of opening up to my mother-in-law about the struggle with infertility.  She also has another son and daughter-in-law who have been trying for nine years!  It is such a hard subject to bring up.  Sue is amazing.  She is a wonderful listener and so full of love.  I think she really wants to be there for us, but doesn't want to push anything.  She already has nine grandchildren with two more on the way. She really is one of those mothers that inspires me to be the best mom I can be, if I ever get the chance.  So I wanted to share something I found online.  I think it may help to open the door of conversation.  But it makes some really good points for us:)  This is from the "Resolve"  website:

Infertility Etiquette

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

• They will eventually conceive a baby.
• They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
• They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Again

Its funny, when i started this blog i didn't think anyone would see it.  So I figured i would just vent all the time.  I was thinking the other day that I shouldn't be such a downer on here.  What?  How silly.  Of course I'm not always like this.  It is the fact that I am not always down that made this such a special place.  I can feel anyway and not be worried about how people perceive me.  I'm still having a hard time with the new baby coming up in a month in my family.  I really hope the boy is not born on my anniversary.  I know, silly right.  Not really.  It's my day right now.  Okay, I'm feeling a little worked up because I just had to go shopping for baby shower wrapping and cards.  Then I came home and wrapped all the adorable baby things I have collected for my sister in law.  I couldn't help it, I started to tear up folding the tiny baby clothes.  Yup crying now.  Sometimes it can just hurt so much.  The clothes are so little and so cute.  I can imagine putting the tiny t shirt on a sweet chubby baby belly.  I also got these ridiculous tiny infant Northface baby booties that look like hiking boots.  Are you kidding me?  They make you melt with cuteness.  I haven't felt sad or cried like this for a little bit now.  But bam!  There it is.  And I am so happy for them too.  I feel sort of bad because I wish I could have been there more through the whole thing.  I have kind of removed myself from my sister-in-law and the whole pregnancy.  I don't even think I could handle her baby shower this weekend.  Actually she is having two I would be going to.  But I am going to my other sister-in-laws graduation from college instead.  It kind of works out perfect because the other sis I am going to see has been ttc for almost eight years.  We kind of need each other this weekend.  Perfect timing!  I think this next month will be trying for me and when Ethan is born next month, I think I may have some "moments".  I hate that.  But I know I can't avoid it.  So, sorry if the subject gets old, I sure everyone understands:)  Thanks to everyone and all their kind replies.  It really does help me through these moments!  Love you guys!

Is it gone?

I think I may have lost something along the way.  Yup, my libido.  Not something I really want to admit, but I think I may have to.  With dramatics I feel like saying I never want to have sex again.  I know that is not true, but I feel like something is missing.  Trying for so long can be hard on a couple.  All the times sex, the positions, the special lube, the laying in one spot afterward, even just the idea every time that this is for a reason now.  At the beginning of this journey the sex was amazing.  The thought that this amazing act could have just united us with a child was breathtaking.  So sweet and romantic and amazing really.  But that has pretty much worn off.  Now I have a hard time letting myself even think that it worked.  I have been avoiding this for a while now.  I did a little research and have tried some supplements to help with a ladies libido.  Just another addition to the morning regiment of capsules!  But now i think it is time to get down to the bottom of this.  I know this must happen to so many people.  I sometimes wonder if emotionally, even almost subconsciously, it hurts too much to have sex.  Maybe it sets off this little feeling of failure each time.  Reminding me of feeling broken.  I try my best to always be so positive (it may not seem like it too much on my blog!) and keep my chin up.  It is a sensitive subject I don't really want to bring up with anyone.  I'm sure my husband notices, but I think he may be stumped on how to help.  I have mentioned it to him, but not to the extent I am now.  I know the importance of intimacy in a relationship.  I know that both of us need it.  Maybe I have lost the idea that it is just for us too.  A way for us to connect.  That I need to somehow get our romance back from the baby making.  I wish it was just a switch I could flip back on.  Maybe spending some time together when I'm not ovulating or near it could be helpful.  But honestly the idea of more sex makes me think "ugh"!  It is terrible.  I got to figure a way to get my groove back!

mini break

So this past month we took a little break from trying.  I was out of town for the whole ovulation time!  I knew it was coming and I was fine with it.  The break was needed.  I felt a little lighter all month knowing the dreaded negative stick couldn't get to me!  Ahhh, it was a nice break.  I really enjoyed the calmness about the few days before my period.  I didn't have a big crash.  And I could really feel that.  Trying so much is really exhausting.  Even when you are trying "not to stress" about it all.  I thought I had let a lot go. But today my husband mentioned a neighbor was pregnant.  Then he slipped in that my sister in law was too.  Wait, what?  Another one pregnant?  When did everyone find out?  Oh he found out the other day.  But he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to make me sad.  Damn it!  Even my husband is afraid of my feelings getting hurt.  It made me feel so stupid.  "Oh don't tell her, she will be so upset".  And the sad thing is, is that it is true!  But i want the choice to be sad.  Don't all talk about it but without me!  And this time I wasn't even really jealous, I just felt sad.  I was quickly reminded about feeling like a failure.  I wouldn't ever continue just trying and failing over and over again with anything else.  Man it can really beat you up.  Maybe if people realized that yes, I may seem sad or angry when I initially hear the news, but really I am happy for them because I am a compassionate, loving person?  It's just a crappy place to be I guess.  And just to show everyone that I'm not this bitter sad infertile, I sent the super excited message and love about the news!

Spring cleaning

Spring is here!  So, we bought our house three years ago.  Three bedroom.  One for us, one for the hubby's  studio, and the last little room has been saved as the nursery.  I never painted it or even thought about it because I just would hold off I thought until I knew if it was a boy or girl.  So it just filled with stuff and became sort of the sad room in the house.  Like i couldn't bring myself to even go in there much.  I had a crib in pieces in there, and other little baby stuff I have collected over the years.  I decided it was time to clear out the room.  So I took everything out.  I chose to make it my private meditation escape room.  I picked some really great colors, actually called "sanctuary" and "zen".  I went to town on that space!  It was like clearing out my head.  Moving out all those feelings of failure and wanting.  I love that room now.  It is my room.  Right now, I'm actually keeping baby chicks in there:)  So really, I got my babies in that room!  It really helped to have something else to focus on for a minute.  And giving myself a private place has helped a lot too.  It is my place to feel what ever I want, cry if I need, sit and rage at the world if I need!  The sitting and meditating is next on the list.  I have a few yoga moves that my doctor gave me to work on for fertility I want to really start doing too!  Feeling good about it all today!

Long time no see...

I haven't gotten on here in a bit.  I had my 34th birthday and then took a vacation down to the keys of Florida.  I went to visit with my father, sister and her family.  I was hoping to get in some time to talk with her about everything I am going through.  But I forgot how uncomfortable the whole thing makes most people.  I understand, it is a sensitive subject, but really?  Is it that bad?  Or what ever happened to just hugs?  Oh well.  The ocean was beautiful and I did get to have my drinks with umbrellas!  Yay!  On the way home I sat in front of a young mom with three little kids all under the age of four.  When we were getting off, she had no help and three sleeping kids!  I asked her if she wanted me to carry one of them to help her.  So I carried a sleeping year old baby.  Oh man, trying to hold back the tears!  It was so sweet, the heavy weight of a little one totally asleep.  It hit me in that spot, you know the one.  Deep in the center of my being that wants that so bad.  Near my stomach, behind my heart.  It was a sweet moment.  She was really grateful, but so was I.

Quiet Sunday

You know what I did today?  I took myself for a pedicure and guilt free shopping.  I didn't even buy anything, but I really had fun.  Even though the mall was full of pregnant girls, I didn't even mind. (and I mean it, I don't think one of them could have been over 22)  I was thinking a lot about this blog and how it is making me feel better.  My last post about envy was scary to even write.  But every reply just made me really feel okay, like I wasn't even close to the monster I felt like.  So thank you guys.  Thanks for sending me hugs and support.  Thanks for just going through all of this so I don't feel so alone.  Hugs back to all of you!

envy

Ugh.  I really am having a hard time with envy.  My sister in law sent me the link to their new blog about the baby.  It is like self torture to go look at it.  But what am I suppose to do?  I feel so petty and mean.  I usually don't feel this way about anyone.  But I do right now.  And the blog is stupid.  There I said it.  It is not even written well.  Okay stop.  The civil war battle that rages in my head over this stinks.  I need to find a place where this doesn't get to me.  I need to look at everything I have and see how lucky I am.  And I am lucky.  I have almost everything I could ever want.  So why does the one thing I don't have seem more important than anything else?  Envy feels like it could eat me alive.  It is hard to hold back the things I want to say.  And I don't really say anything out loud to anyone, because of course I am really happy for anyone having a baby.  I just don't want to be part of it.  I don't want to feel sad more than I already do.  And if you have never experienced it, than you have no idea the empty pain infertility brings.  Having no control over any of it.  Wondering why why why?  Ugh.  And you can't avoid the situations that make those pains rip through your heart.  The adorable family you see in the park, the mother holding a little one so close you can feel it, the next friend or family member who just got pregnant without trying.  It will never be that magical for me.  It will be wonderful and amazing if it ever happens, but it won't ever be this special surprise.  And i know it seems childish to feel mad about all of this.  And in my life i try not to let anyone see these ugly feelings.  But they are there.  They live in me know and I have to learn how to live with them.

Little stitches

I just got back from a really great buying trip for work.  I get to go to the Tucson Gem and Jewelry show every year and buy lots of beautiful pieces.  I travel with a dear friend and coworker.  It was timed perfect this year because it was the six days before my period.  I decided to not bring any preggo tests with me.  You know, just let it go and have fun.  And I did.  But, of course I thought about the possibilities everyday.  I thought maybe I am pregnant!  I try to think positive because I do believe it helps you get what you want. But it is so scary to think that.  The let down is so harsh, that it has become almost impossible for me to really believe it.  But I didn't get down.  I had a lot to distant me that is for sure!  Like the ten grand my boss gave me to shop!  On my way home, my period came.  I didn't feel crushed this time, just let down.  Every month this happens, a little piece of my heart breaks.  Like little tears in my heart.  And every month I stitch tiny stitches to hold it together.  I take a breath and try to put it back together.  There are 20 breaks in my little heart.  And 20 spots I have carefully tried to put back together.

Vacation

I love to travel.  It could be near or far, I don't care.  I just love exploring and seeing new things.  Since we have started down this road of TTC, we have not done much of it.  I always think, but what if I'm pregnant.  What if I plan some amazing vacation, and then I'm sick with morning sickness.  What if it is in the way of my ovulation?  All of these what ifs.  I can travel for my work as a buyer to amazing countries around the world.  But it is hard work and it probably wouldn't be the best idea to be preggers doing it.  India, Nepal, and Bali.  All of them I need to get back to for work.  But it has all taken a back burner seat.  My family is meeting up in the Keys this winter.  I couldn't book my tickets for so long, because what if?  I finally just did it today.  And still I think "I hope if I 'm newly pregnant I'm not sick"  Stupid right?  Ugh.  I just keep thinking this month is it!  Imagine if I get to Florida, and I can tell everyone that I'm finally going to have a baby!  That would be the best!

Ready, set, go!!!

It is time again.  Time to sex it up.  Ovulation time!!  Strange, I was looking forward to it, getting all amped up.  But then it all just fizzled out.  I should have been just trying and trying.  But over the weekend, I just let it slip.  I slept on the couch Saturday night and didn't even get up until 12:30.  I was feeling totally depressed.  I just couldn't bring myself to get sexy.  And it didn't seem like my husband was into it either.  Blah.  Can't get pregnant if you don't do the deed.  I don't think he quite understands how sad this is making me.  He says that weekend are a drag because I am always so down around the house.  Well, yeah, maybe I am.  I spend the whole week acting like everything is okay.  That I am really just fine.  I hide the sadness from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep.  I just keep on truckin'.  Then the weekend comes.  I try to hide it at home too.  But, you know, I live there too.  And it is suppose to be my safe place to feel anyway I want.  But I don't always get that.  I try to be okay there too.  Because I dont' want to put my darling out.  I don't want him to feel this way too.  Sometimes I just can't hide it.  And yesterday, I wasn't even acting so sad.  Just tried to keep to myself.  We talked a little about it.  He doesn't understand why I wouldn't be trying to be happy.  What?!?!  I try all the fucking time.  I explained that it is a deep sad tired that I am starting to feel.  That I try my hardest to be fine.  He said that having a child is not worth being this sad.  He might be right.  When do call it quits?  When do I decide that I am really broken and should stop hurting myself like this?  Or do I just keep going?  Does it mean that I am week because I have only tried for so long?  It's like everything is on hold.  Everything I plan is planned around "what if I am pregnant?".  What if I'm ovulating?  What if I have my really bad period?  My cycle has taken control of my life.  I used to be filled with hope after sex that "this could be the time!".  I don't really feel that anymore.  I don't feel excited right now.  I think maybe subconsciously I don't want to have sex because it just means I could be let down in two weeks.  Let down in a way I don't think I can handle anymore.  Ugh.  How do I get that back?  That fun.  That happiness about trying.  That sweet look to the future....

Back to the beginning

Day ten of the cycle.  Okay, so, I have had a few days of time to relax between my period and starting this all over.  I love those few days.  It's like a tiny mini vacation.  There is no possible way I am pregnant and I am finished with the crappy days of my period. Ahhh.  But today will begin the rest all over with.  Today i will begin to pee on sticks again.  Waiting for the line to show up telling me I am ovulating.  So lots of sex fro the next week.  Sounds good, but at this point, sex can be harder.  But I'm optimistic right now.  Back to myself.  On the upswing of things.  I'm going to ride these happy feelings as long as I can.  It is astounding to me that at one moment I am as low as I possibly can be, and then I just pick up the pieces and try again.  Over and over and over again.  Women who have tried to get pregnant for over a year are stronger for it.  We should just have a "bad ass" girl club;)  And I think it will make me a better mom.  Because i had to really think it through and I really want it.  Phew.  it is all so big to go through and to even think about.  Hopefully someday I will look back and feel so proud of myself that this did not completely break me.

New one

So this is new one.  I never needed to take a test this month because i started my period early.  So by day four, when my period was really lite still and had no cramps, i started to think "maybe I am pregnant?"  Really?  I googled it of course, the worst thing anyone can do with a question like that.  Could i be pregnant and have a really lite period?  That little tiny voice wouldn't let it go this time.  Damn it!!  I'm over this.  I'm over the hoping and praying!  I can't even imagine a test with a positive result.  I am having a harder time even imagining having a child.  Maybe we are meant to not have kids.  And what if that was not so bad?  How much of who I am is wrapped up in this?  It makes you really dig deep,  Why you want a child? What is it I need out of this?  So many questions.  I'm sick of that too!  All the wondering.  The crappy feeling of something being wrong with me.  It is not good for the old self confidence!  Maybe the universe is telling me something...

And there it is.

Well, fuck.  Literally after I wrote the last post, I went to pee, and there it was.  Four days early.  I hadn't even peed on the stick yet.  I'm starting to really think that I cannot get pregnant.  Deep down I'm feeling that.  I know, I know.  Don't say it or maybe I will manifest it.  Well I've been trying to manifest getting pregnant forever and that isn't working.  I have to try to go get that stupid HSG test.  I am so scared of it.  I have to find out if my insurance covers it.  I have to find out if I can go to it up here.  At least then I can find out if it is just impossible to get pregnant.  There is nothing wrong with my husband, so there must be something wrong with me.  Something is wrong with me.

ugh...

And so it begins.  I can feel the slight cramping of my period.  But I don't expect it for days.  So now will be the toilet paper game.  Waiting to see the first signs so that little voice will quiet down about being preggo.  It's like just waiting for the big letdown.  But at least then it will be time to move on.  It really sucks.  And the fact that my period always brings throw-up inducing painful cramps, I can't wait.  And most likely, at some point in the next couple of days, my hormones will rage up and war with my emotions.  So much to look forward to.

Countdown

Four days till the arrival of my favorite week.  My period.  This week is usually full of secret ideas that maybe this time I'm pregnant.  But you know what?  I'm not.  I can tell.  I have no symptoms.  I am fine.  My boobs even started to NOT hurt yesterday.  But there is that tiny stupid voice that says "maybe".  Maybe part of me just starts to put up a wall to make the day my period gets here not so bad.  Or maybe I am just sick and tired of all of this.  I know I just have to start all over next week.  And I'm not sure if I want to.  I kind of just want my life back.  I want sex to be anytime and more fun.  Actually, I would like to take a break from sex all together.  But I think my husband may think different:)  I wish now, I could just speed up my period and get it over with.  I'm just tired.  And the deep down kind.

Guilt

My husband has a big family.  Six brothers and sisters.  And a huge extended family.  They are mostly LDS (Mormon) so lots and lots of kids and pregnant people.  But for some reason I have one awful issue.  And I hate it.  My husbands brother just got married last June.  Since we live in the same town, we are pretty close with the newlyweds.  They have a wedding photography business and decided to move to Denver.  It was only three months after they got married.  So, we were helping them pack the last night.  She waited until it was just us in the room and very nervously told me she was pregnant.  Ugh.  My first experience with that pain.  It was like someone punched me in the stomach.  I jumped and hugged and hid my pain.  I immediately called for my husband to tell him to get in the house, pretending excitement.  I just couldn't handle it on my own.  Somehow lost in translation, he thought I had just told them I was pregnant. Great, awesome.  I continued to be really happy and hold in the pain.  It was almost impossible to hold back the tears.  It was like I couldn't breathe.  So I headed to the bathroom.  I hated feeling so jealous. I hated feeling the way I was.  I quietly cried in the bathroom and texted a friend to just get it out.  I couldn't wait to get out of their house.  We helped finish up and said our goodbyes.  We got in the car and didn't say a word to each other for the ride home.  It was like we had no idea what to say or feel.  We both felt awful for feeling angry.  We got home, sat on our deck, grabbed a drink, and just sat for a minute.  Luckily our neighbor showed up and broke the ice.  We just said honestly that they were pregnant and we were jealous.  The next morning my only saving grace was that the had moved and I would not have to see them again for a while.  Nice right?  I was hating myself for being so upset.  Since then, I have tried my best to keep in contact.  I text and make jokes and seem really supportive.  But I'm still so bummed out by it.  Why???  Why do I feel jealous?? Why can't I just get over it?  I don't want to talk to her.  I think she saw a fb post yesterday about being tired of all the trying and she called me.  She is the last person I would want to talk to about it.  That is terrible.  But true.  I am going to have to face this soon.  There is going to be a little boy soon.  Fuck, that just hurts.  Lucky lucky lucky.  Grrr. She wants me to be there for the birth.  Umm, I wish I were a bigger person.  But I don't know if I can.  I don't know if I could handle it.  The pain might be too much and I wouldn't want to ruin anything for them.  Ugh.  It really sucks.  It really really really sucks.

The waiting game

Here I am.  In the waiting period after ovulation but before the monthly due date.  This part is so hard.  Just waiting.  Pretending like I'm not completely obsessed with the idea that this time maybe it happened.  But lately, those thought hide deep in my head.  Outwardly, I just don't have much hope for it.  I try not to put too much into it.  I'm more worried about the let down, again.  And my hormones don't help.  I was put on birth control when I was pretty young (way before I started having sex) to help control the mood swings and severe cramps.  I ditched the birth control in my mid twenties and paid for it!  I thought I was going crazy, but really just had hormones that rage out of control and ruin my life.  I wouldn't admit that all of my depression and high anxiety could have anything to due with PMS.  But that was a huge part of it.  I was a mess, no stable place to live, bad boyfriend, couldn't keep a job for long (always moving), hated myself, cried all the time, and looked to drugs and drinking to escape it all.  When I smartened up, I got back on the birth control and leveled everything out.  Even my periods, which are really heavy with incredible cramps that always make me throw up, evened out to a quiet monthly.  Things got so much better.  I settled down, found an amazing job, met my incredible husband, bought a house, and learned to really love life.  I have now been off of the birth control for about two and a half years.  It is all coming back now.  It is creeping in slowly, but I can feel it.  I am starting to loose my grip on reality during my pms.  I start actually believing that there are serious things wrong in my life.  And the anxiety of an upcoming period and it's unreal cramps is almost unbearable.  I have been to doctors to help me along.  I have started antidepressants (which just makes me more sad, I thought I was over all of that) and have been given giant ibuprofen that has moved over to painkillers that i usually throw up anyway.  So, to say the least, I am pretty nervous this time of the month.  I feel like nowadays I get maybe one good week a month.  The other three I am hormonal, bleeding, or just waiting for the shit to hit the fan.  And maybe the news of another negative pregnancy test wouldn't be so bad if it didn't come at the height of my hormonal swing.  What a sick fucking trick from mother nature.  And no matter how convinced I am not pregnant, until I see that red, I have this secret hope that this time is it!  That maybe my pms symptoms are actually pregnancy symptoms.  That maybe I am feeling nauseous this morning.  Maybe my smell is stronger.  Maybe my boobs hurt so bad because I've got my wish.  But I keep this all to myself.  Keep a smile on my face.  No one really wants to talk to an angry infertile women about to get her period!

keep going right...

So, I have this blog to just rant and purge.  I actually felt like I didn't have a right to do this because I haven't been trying long enough compared to so many women I have read about.  And I haven't ventured into the world of infertility doctors and clinics.  Honestly, I am scared of that road.  My hormones are so crazy when they are on their own without birth control, that adding to that scares me.  I wouldn't be able to live my life.  It is already keeping me from loving life right now!  How would I be able to keep my marriage together and run my store feeling even crazier?  I'm just barely holding on now.  I have tried lots of other things to help me along the way.  Changed my diet.  Quit smoking.  Started working out.  Started doing fertility yoga with a new therapist who also was helping me through emotional stuff.  Massage, cranial sacral work, myofascial release, acupuncture.  I've taken every vitamin, mineral, and herb for fertility.  I visualize happiness.  I pee on a stick everyday it feels like for half of the month.  I chart.  I lift my hips with a pillow, but not too much. I've seen the doctor.  My husband has had his semen analyzed.  He is on a regiment of herbs and vitamins.  I've tried pre seed.  Even with all of this I was feeling like I had no right to complain since I haven't entered the world of clomid and daily shots.  But it doesn't matter to me any more.  I have to get this out.  I have to say it all out loud and this is the closest I can come.

This is it.

So here it is.  My first post on this blog.  Well, my first blog really.  I guess I just needed a secret spot to really put out there all the feelings I've been having about my infertilty problems.  Now just need a place to start.  I guess the beginning will do.  I'm 33 years old about to turn 34 in a month.  I have been married to my amazing husband for almost four years.  We decided to start trying for a baby eighteen months ago, a year and a half. A year before we started actively trying I took myself off birth control.  Deciding to try for a baby was one of the most exciting decisions I have ever made.  Finally!  After dreaming of this my whole life, it was going to happen. I was going to be a mom! I was so optimistic.  It was perfect.  Baby making sex was amazing!  It had this beautiful purpose that we both shared in.  Ahhh, that was an incredible time;)  But that seems like a long time ago.  The first few negative pregnancy tests were a bummer.  But no big deal right?  I had been pregnant once, it was the wrong time, the wrong guy and I felt fine with the choice I made not to have it.  So I kept thinking this should be easy.  And I just kept on thinking that for a few more months...